It took us years of thinking, talking and praying before we decided to move forward with our search. Now we are just taking things slowly. We aren't in a huge rush, we don't expect to find another soul mate in the blink of an eye. Finding someone with whom we can spend the rest of our lives with takes time.
We have already made some great new friends. It's always great to get to know new people and make new friends. We have met a few people that were looking for something different and that is okay. Even when you meet someone who isn't for you or you aren't for them, that is just part of the journey. We even met someone who wanted 'punishment'...that was a little scary. We were definitely not for her, abuse will never have a place in our home. I won't say anything more about that.
We met someone quite early in our search who was very special. Everything seemed to match; our likes, dislikes, politics, child rearing, family life. It just all seemed to fit. There weren't any expectations, we would rather just get to know someone as friends and see where things go from there. Like I said, we aren't in a rush and we want to get this right. Through her blog we got to know her as she put it, "the meat and potatoes" of who she is as a person. We were hoping to get to know her even better and think about dating. She was keeping all her options open and we were fine with that. When in time the idea became truly real to her, that she could find a couple who she might really want to be a part of their family. She then was hit with the fact that her family would never accept it. They might even cut her out of their lives. She realized they would never be able to share in her joy of her wedding, marriage and children. Faced with the reality that her family would never accept it, she would have to shut them out of a very important part of her life. It was too much. Which we totally understand and yet, it hurt.
When you have someone who tells you they could really see themselves becoming a part of your family...And that everything they want in a relationship and what you want matches. But they can't because due to reasons that no one can control, it's hard. It was actually painful, even in the early stages. We had grown attached to this person more than we ever expected could happen in such a short time. I was hurting, my husband was hurting...We wanted to do something to try and make it right but you can't. There is nothing you can do to make it right. Scott thought about sending flowers, but this isn't something flowers can fix. Nothing could change the problem. We prayed about it and that is all we could do. Letting it go was difficult, just thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach.
Her family means the world to her, she was raised by extended family due to her parents death. She can't turn around and break their hearts or lie to them. We understand that completely. Nothing is more important to us than family, we want someone who thinks family is everything.
The hard part comes in with finding someone who wants to put family first, but is willing to risk telling their own family they are going to do something that isn't accepted in our society. That isn't easy. It's daunting just thinking about it.
We are moving forward with continued thought and prayer. We wish her the best of course, we still care about her very much. We pray that she gets everything she wants out of life. She realized that a poly relationship is not something she can be a part of even though the idea of a poly family appeals to her. We hope that she finds the love of her life, that she has the marriage and family that she longs to have someday. We have no doubts that she will be a wonderful spouse and Mother. We pray she finds someone who truly appreciates her.
We really hesitated to write about this, but it IS part of our journey. Everything we learn along the way brings us closer to where God intends us to be, I firmly believe that. For some reason our paths crossed, we may never know the reason why and that is okay. It's not always easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is easy. When things come easily we don't appreciate them as much. When God sends us the right person, we will appreciate her in every way.
We have already made some great new friends. It's always great to get to know new people and make new friends. We have met a few people that were looking for something different and that is okay. Even when you meet someone who isn't for you or you aren't for them, that is just part of the journey. We even met someone who wanted 'punishment'...that was a little scary. We were definitely not for her, abuse will never have a place in our home. I won't say anything more about that.
We met someone quite early in our search who was very special. Everything seemed to match; our likes, dislikes, politics, child rearing, family life. It just all seemed to fit. There weren't any expectations, we would rather just get to know someone as friends and see where things go from there. Like I said, we aren't in a rush and we want to get this right. Through her blog we got to know her as she put it, "the meat and potatoes" of who she is as a person. We were hoping to get to know her even better and think about dating. She was keeping all her options open and we were fine with that. When in time the idea became truly real to her, that she could find a couple who she might really want to be a part of their family. She then was hit with the fact that her family would never accept it. They might even cut her out of their lives. She realized they would never be able to share in her joy of her wedding, marriage and children. Faced with the reality that her family would never accept it, she would have to shut them out of a very important part of her life. It was too much. Which we totally understand and yet, it hurt.
When you have someone who tells you they could really see themselves becoming a part of your family...And that everything they want in a relationship and what you want matches. But they can't because due to reasons that no one can control, it's hard. It was actually painful, even in the early stages. We had grown attached to this person more than we ever expected could happen in such a short time. I was hurting, my husband was hurting...We wanted to do something to try and make it right but you can't. There is nothing you can do to make it right. Scott thought about sending flowers, but this isn't something flowers can fix. Nothing could change the problem. We prayed about it and that is all we could do. Letting it go was difficult, just thinking about it still makes me sick to my stomach.
Her family means the world to her, she was raised by extended family due to her parents death. She can't turn around and break their hearts or lie to them. We understand that completely. Nothing is more important to us than family, we want someone who thinks family is everything.
The hard part comes in with finding someone who wants to put family first, but is willing to risk telling their own family they are going to do something that isn't accepted in our society. That isn't easy. It's daunting just thinking about it.
We are moving forward with continued thought and prayer. We wish her the best of course, we still care about her very much. We pray that she gets everything she wants out of life. She realized that a poly relationship is not something she can be a part of even though the idea of a poly family appeals to her. We hope that she finds the love of her life, that she has the marriage and family that she longs to have someday. We have no doubts that she will be a wonderful spouse and Mother. We pray she finds someone who truly appreciates her.
We really hesitated to write about this, but it IS part of our journey. Everything we learn along the way brings us closer to where God intends us to be, I firmly believe that. For some reason our paths crossed, we may never know the reason why and that is okay. It's not always easy, but nothing worthwhile in life is easy. When things come easily we don't appreciate them as much. When God sends us the right person, we will appreciate her in every way.
This makes me very sad. I know we have talked about this via IM but It makes me very mad at her. She really should have known that her family would be such a big deal to her. She should have figured all of that out before dragging you and your husband's feelings through the hurt. At least it lets other people you might meet that you are serious about adding a wife to your family. I know you guys are so nice and welcoming and funny to talk to that you will have NO PROBLEM finding another spouse.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should have hesitated to write about it. It didn't happen that long ago and it still hurts. I read your post about it on sisterwives and I felt very upset for you. But you are right when you say it IS a part of your journey. It is another piece of the puzzle that has made you both who you are, has made your marriage, and has made you make decisions the way you do now. Just another life lesson learned:)
Family is something I still struggle with as a matter of fact I mention it in my Mother's Day post. She did the right thing for her and I applaud that. You'll find someone I'm sure :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
I have already told you guys that you will make awesome co-spouses for some wonderful, love-filled woman.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your candor and tender words. The love the two of you have for one another is obvious, and your approach to polygamy is very sensible. When it is right, everyone involved will know with certainty that it is right.
Enjoy your journey, Scott and Marsa. You are going a fine job with your blog--very poly-positive and refreshingly honest.
Hugs!
~DeeDee