My pet peeves along the path to finding another soul-mate....

This post was inspired by my husband, Scott. He just wrote a post on his blog about his pet peeves while on our journey to find a sister-wife for our family. It started me to think about some of the things that have bothered me, some are similar to Scott's but not all of them. Either way, I thought I would get some things off my chest as well.

I'm sure single women searching for families have plenty of pet peeves too. It's all just part of life, learning to deal with all types of people is an important lesson. I understand that and I do feel that we are both growing along the way. It's also helped us to realize what we do and don't want as we search for the right person for our family. It's helped us appreciate each other along the way as well and that is always a good thing. I love my husband, I really do, I am lucky to have the family I do. I Praise God for all my blessings, I will praise him when when we take vows with our new spouse as well. Until then, I will continue to pray for patience as we search, here are some of the things that we have encountered and that bother me.

The Politics of it all... Hearing things from other prospectives helps us learn and grow. That said, there are some things that you just can't get over... For instance, I have plenty of friends and family with different political views. We get along well and it has never been a problem. But within our home our views are pretty similar, some opposing views are fine. However, I don't want my home to turn into a battle ground. If someone shares their opinion, I will listen and I expect them to give me the same courtesy. I don't want anyone to say that because I'm in the middle on certain issues that means I should just pick a side. Excuse me? If I see both sides of an issue and am in the middle or center of the road, that is my perogative. I don't criticize your views, I believe that it is one thing to criticize an issue and an entirely different view to attack the person because of their political views. Let's leave personal attacks out of it.

Don't Question how serious we are.... Wow, recently just because my husband and I want to take our time, go slowly and be cautious about choosing a sister-wife... Someone said, we weren't serious and probably just liked the idea of polygamy! Hello?!?!? That really offended me! I wish that I didn't care what people who make stupid comments say, but I do... Guess what? They couldn't be more wrong! For one, this isn't something we take lightly, it's something we've discussed for years, prayed about carefully and are pursuing wholeheartedly. Every single day several times a day, I pray for God to guide us on this journey. So, don't you dare decide how serious we are just because maybe we weren't right for you. Or because we aren't doing something according to your timeline. We have a happy, loving family with a secure foundation. It is vital to be careful about who we bring into the family. The right person or our family will understand that. She will also be just as cautious and take marriage just as seriously. This isn't something we are doing on a whim, it isn't something we take lightly. Don't question how dedicated we are just because we want to take things slowly or because you weren't right for our family. We believe marriage is forever, it's not something you try out! You don't just try it for a short time and then say you made a mistake and jump into the next relationship. Who are you to question our dedication? You don't know us well enough to question our motives do you? If your questioning how serious we are about our search, then I know for a fact you don't know us.

And while we're at it... Don't question my motives for wanting another wife for our family. It bothers me when someone thinks that there must be something wrong with my marriage for me to want to bring another woman into the family. Wow, just because we are looking you are going to decide that about us? That somehow wanting the benefits of plural marriage for my family and the love of a sister-wife means that we have a problem? Guess what? Your wrong. Since we've been looking I've had emails that we must have a problem in our marriage. We don't, we have one of the best marriages I know. People who know us often compliment us on our marriage and our family. Someone who thinks this couldn't be more wrong. Besides, bringing another person into your marriage rarely solves problems, it's not fair to the other person to bring them into a relationship that isn't stable. My marriage doesn't need saving, so please don't try to drop something like that in my lap. And don't even begin to say my motives are sexual. Plural marriage is about more than sex. Our sex life is great, it's very active and will continue to be when we bring another spouse into the family. It's not just about wanting more children either. If it was we would adopt or hire a surrogate. I don't want a baby factory and I don't want a nanny. If I did again, I would hire someone to be a surrogate or a nanny. Wanting to have children someday with someone you love is no different than single people who search for a soul-mate who also has interest in children and family. We are no different in that respect. We want to find someone who is interested in having children when they settle down get married and the time is right. I know there are families that that seems to be their only focus or the reason they want a polygamous marriage, but we are not that family. We don't use people and we are truly searching for someone with whom we can spend the rest of our lives. We don't want to treat someone as a second class citizen. So, don't try to drop those things in my lap either.

First Wives are not thrown out with the bathwater... My husband loves me, when the right person joins our family, our husband will love her as well. Just because we have been together for a long time doesn't mean he's throwing me over for the new model. That isn't the case. However, quite recently there was someone who felt they were owed the 20 years he's been with me. Well, you are welcome (if you are the right person and it was pretty obvious this one wasn't) to spend the next 20 years or hopefully much longer with us. But I am not going to stand aside and hand you the next 20 years on some plate. Sure you can have private time together, that is important, but you can't expect to make up all the private time I've had with Scott in the past. That isn't reasonable, it isn't a healthy polymarriage if that is what is happening. Anyone who truly wants a sucessful polymarriage should understand that. Being the second wife is different than being a mistress on the side. If your looking to take a man away from his family in that fashion then perhaps being the other woman is more what you are looking for, but that isn't what my husband is looking for in a relationship. We want one marriage, one family as a polygamous family. If you don't want that, if you think that you should make up for all the time we've ever spend together, then that doesn't sound like someone who is ready to share a husband. Does it??? I'm not about to stand aside, I will be proud to have the right person stand with "our" husband, but I'm not going anywhere. Who would want a husband that wants to throw the first wife out with the bathwater anyway? How long would a husband like that really make a happy marriage? And how long before a husband like that is looking for a new model? My husband and I have a happy loving lasting lifelong marriage. If that is what you want as well, someone who will love you for a lifetime, then you shouldn't expect him to cast the first wife aside. Celebrate my love for my husband and I will be just as joyous celebrating your love for him as well. I pray everyday for a woman who will love my husband just as much as I do.

What goes around comes around, even with gossip.... Wow, sometimes I feel like we've gone back to high school. Isn't that sad? People love to talk about other people, even when they don't know them well or worse yet, it's just something they have heard about someone else. Second hand information like that is rarely right and the more people it's past through the more it gets twisted. Often people say things online in chat they wouldn't dare say to someone's face. Gossip in these chat rooms seems to be constant. Unfortunately a lot of it is bitter. If something didn't work out between someone, or a single girl didn't fit with a family, they will talk about them behind their back. Why? Just because you weren't right for that family or they weren't right for you... Does that mean you have to be mean spirited or air out your dirty laundry to everyone? Don't you have any class? Can't you take the highroad? I wouldn't do that to a single girl looking or a family. I have more respect for her than that. But I have seen it over and over. I think this needs to stop on both sides. Stop airing your dirty laundry in chat rooms! That goes not just for single girls looking for families, but for families looking as well. Then there are people who are in these chat rooms just for the gossip. Beware of the person who is anxious to fill your ears with this and that about someone, because they are probably gossiping about you the minute you leave chat. If your gossiping in chat, don't get mad or be suprised if what you said gets back the person you talked about. It's bound to do so... If you don't want people talking behind your back, then help break the cycle and don't get caught up in the gossip yourself. It's not easy to do, I know this, but there are people who feed off of negative gossip. They will twist and turn your words and you mind drive off a family or a single girl over something that was taken the wrong way. Think about it, often in gossip the only person you are truly hurting is you.

Don't Patronize me.... Wow, I can tell you that patronizing people really bother me... The worst bit of patronizing I have heard is someone who within 2minutes of IM said, "When I have sex with your husband and we have children, honey they will be yours too." Well, that is great...Let me say this, I don't even know you yet. But thanks for offering your children to me.... I'm not your 'honey' and I don't know that I want to have children with you. If you were to marry us, which I can't possibly know if that is something I want to do... Wouldn't he be 'our' husband? We aren't just interested in you for sex or babies! So, let's slow down and get to know each other. Otherwise, it just seems like you are just telling me what you think I want to hear. Believe me, that isn't the case. I want to hear the truth and form a genuine relationship. It also feels false and that you are rushing things for some reason. Relax, let's just get to know each other and see where things lead, why is that so hard? Please do not call me honey or sweetie right off the bat. If we get to know each other and you still think I'm a sweetheart, well then you can tell me so, but please I'd really like to know you first otherwise it feels false and patronizing.

Will the real people please stand up? Fakes, Oh how I hate them. Usually they want to talk about sex right off the bat or web-cam right away. I don't think anyone dating a family really asks them what their favorite sexual position is right after saying hello. Do you? Families don't perform sex acts on camera, at least those who are interested in a person and not just sex.After we get to know you, have had you visit, perhaps we can have web-cam chats in time. But I will not be having sex on camera even after that, so if that is what you want....We are not the family for you! Sorry, don't even ask... It's not happening. Don't ask for money! Only fakes do this, I'm not stupid! I'm not sending a wire of money around the world thinking your going to use it to come visit. If for some reason we are ready for a visit, we would buy the ticket (non cashable) to have you visit. But I'm NOT sending you the money to buy it. I don't have SUCKER written across my forehead. I've looked and it's not there. I don't have any problems with someone verifying that we are real people and not a scammers, so if we get to the point don't expect that we wouldn't do the same and check into as well. Any girl who is really looking for a family will understand. I hate hearing about families that have been scammed. I hate bearing about single girls that have had families try and take advantage of them. It really bothers me a lot. I do believe that some heartbreak could be avoided by just being a little more careful. Maybe it's not romantic, but neither is the alternative if things go badly.

Sometimes you can't force it... When your searching for the love of your life, your going to come across people that don't meet what you are looking for or you aren't who they are looking for and there is nothing wrong with that. It happens with people who are monogamous too. Instead of being upset, I figure that just means we are that much closer to finding the right person. Scott and I honestly wish these people all the best and hope they find what they are looking for in a family. We don't wish them ill will, we aren't rude, we are honest and polite. We try to treat others the way they wish to be treated. We would like them to do the same. There are some people who just can't take it... Instead, they decide to they need to tell you it's not possible and that you will never find what your looking for and use their own baggage from failed relationships to tell you all the reasons why this won't work. We even had someone who admitted they were quite jaded from failed poly relationships tell us that we could never treat someone as an equal. Well, just because you have been hurt by other in the past, that doesn't mean we are the same as those people! We don't use people, we don't have the same lives. We aren't the same people who hurt you, I'm sorry you were hurt but we don't fit the box you are trying to fit us into. Don't label us as the same as people you have come across in the past. We wished you the best, why can't you just be polite and do the same. In this world we can all use poly friends so why slam us with your negative baggage? We don't fit the label so go post it somewhere else. Be graceful, be classy and don't belittle yourself by choosing to turn it into person slams. Especially when you don't really know us! Don't assume you know us because you've talked with us in one IM session!!! You can't, it's not possible. Be honest with people and if your not a fit with them, wish them the best, but don't start hitting below the belt because things didn't work out. Everyone has things they are looking for in a spouse, don't take it personal if we are looking for something different than you are, don't be catty just because you aren't right for us. We won't take it personal if you aren't right for us either.

Please just tell the truth... Don't pretend to be someone your not, don't lie. That is not the way to find the right family. It's not the way to treat others, you don't want families to lie to you, so don't lie to us. It's important to be who you are, it's important to be true to yourself. It's the only way to be happy in this life. Don't set expectations for yourself that you can't meet, that only leads to unhappiness for everyone. Be who you are, if we are right for you, then it will work out, if not then I'm sure there is another family for you somewhere. Sooner or later the truth always comes out, let's save the heartbreak and just be honest. We don't expect you to be perfect, you might be surprised to find that we are pretty understanding. If you have a problem with a person, discuss it with them.

Leave your expectations behind, we will do the same... Some of the best marriages have started with great friendships. Don't expect that just because we say hello, we are ready to move you in next week. Someone special who was interested in polygamy, but not sure, decided not to pursue it because they were afraid that the family might have expectations for them. They didn't want to let the family down if it didn't work out. Why not just open your hearts to friendship? Even if it doesn't work out you may have life long friends. If something else develops cross that bridge when you come to it. Don't get ahead of yourself. Leave expectations behind, often that is when you truly find love in live. This is true about searching for the love of your life or even trying new things or finding a hobby. Open your heart and mind to someone or something doesn't mean you have to worry about expectations.

Whew! Well, that is it for now, I'm sure I'll have more along the way. This was not meant to hurt anybodies feelings, it is not personal. Don't assume it's about you if your a single girl. Remember that, because it might not be about you specifically at all.

I know this is all part of searching, I know that we are already learning and growing as we go with through this together. Putting yourself out there isn't easy, risking your heart can be painful, but when we have found the right person it will all be worth it.


  1. Great post, M! One of the things you talked about is your years and history with your hubby. It was weird, but in the beginning, I actually felt guilty for having so much time under my belt with hubby. I went out of my way to give them alone time, as if somehow, she would "catch up". It was nothing that either Bud or ES said they wanted or needed, and they ended up calling me on it. They asked why I frequently left the room if I happened to walk in on them having a conversation. When I told them I wanted to give them quality time, ES responded, "I married you both, not just Bud. Get your butt in here!" LOL


  2. I thought of something when you wrote about gossip in the chatroom and people telling you that you are not being serious about polygamy, you just like the idea of it.

    I was in chat the other day with a group of other potentials (which I will not name) and this was said exactly. I mean, when I am in chat, I ususally ask people, "oh, how is your search? Have you found a sisterwife/family that you like?" It's just a nice thing to least, I think so. So when someone asked me this, I went, "Well, It's going great. I have made some very good friends that are potentials and families, but nothing serious yet. Everyone is just wanting to stay friends for now." Well that must have triggered something because all of the others in the chatroom were saying exactly what you said. That families aren't serious about poly, they just like the idea of it. They even started bashing certain they even know them. I mean, you can think you know someone on-line, but you really don't. So why would you say stuff like that? So anyway, I totally get what you were saying.

    I love the Patronizing section you and your hubby wrote...kinda funny:)

  3. This is a wonderful post! You are to be commended for your strong convictions and for the way you express yourself. A woman, the right woman of course, would be lucky indeed to have you for a first wife. I haven't checked out your husbands blog to do that:)

  4. Great Post, this is my favorite so far. I can feel the emotion in your writing and that is a wonderful quality to have. I aslo wanted to thank you for all your wonderful comments on my blog, they really brighten my day - and I agree with new#3's comment - Anyone would be luck to have you as a sisterwife :)

  5. Hello it is Natja again, fantastic post and I think most of it can just as easily apply from a potential sw pov, I was especially taken with 'Don't Patronise me' Frankly the idea of someone actually saying that to you is pretty shocking, you almost have to laugh at the cheek of it. (sorry, I did laugh, was that bad?). Anyhow, something that resonated for me in the list and I am sure other single females feel it also was 'Don't question how serious we are' possibly because I have thought the same thing about couples also. One pet peeve that I personally have is 'If you no longer are interested in a girl/woman as a potential, just say so and don't just cut off all communication, it is rather rude'
    Also, if you are not interested in a potential as a sw, just tell her and don't keep her hanging on hoping that your friendship will eventually turn into something else, it is a bit harsh and makes people disenchanted with the dating process.

    I know lots of this goes back to people being scared of hurt feelings but when people are not right for you, they are not right, you have to be honest. I don't begrudge anyone for not liking me enough to marry me any more than if I was dating a singleton, I am not a fembot, I can't change my personality to order (though I daresay, my mum probably would have got there first.... ;o)). Therefore I would not suit everyone and not everyone would suit me, we have to be grown ups I suppose and not take everything so personally.

    However regarding the courting itself, I must admit a personal bias against Internet dating, don't like it at all, would never think of joining a mono dating site, I am that sort of silly romantic fool who still wants sparks across a crowded room and the net is not made for that sort of thing, so despite the fact that I am happy and willing to chat and get to know if I am compatible with a couple, I need to meet them fairly quickly because I don't have a great deal of faith in Internet chat for showing the true spirit of a person or (certainly in my case) does it encourage anything more than the most superficial of feelings, I don't want to be that person who talks and has a great net friendship with a couple for six months and then find myself meeting them and there is no chemistry and for the couple who have each other it isn't so bad, for the single woman who have fantasised about meeting these two wonderful people for ages, well it is gut wrenching, I am not certain a couple can appreciate how it feels for us on the outside.
    Just because we are keen to meet doesn't mean that we are trying to rush anything, it might just mean that we know that the real relationship does not begin until we DO meet, everything else is preamble, I am happy to make friends and I am happy for couples to contact me if they want to chat to see if we get along but getting the two different things too interconnected just confuses me and I think it confuses a lot of people, I know I go against the common ideology by saying this though.

    Thanks for the great blog post again, it allowed me to exercise my brain cells for a change! ;o)

  6. Wonderful, Thoughtful, Intelligent and spot on as usual. I feel the exact same way. Although as everyone knows I have recently put the horse before the cart and have slowed down considerably. I think when you meet someone special you just know. Your Awesome.

  7. Wow Natja...I always enjoy your posts. I always agree with you:) lol. I completely understand what you are saying about meeting in person to see if there is that "spark". If it's not there, then there is no point in talking forever, hoping that the friendship will lead to something more. Unfortunately, that is the downside to meeting others on-line. It's just part of the package.

  8. Aww, thanks Erica (I am not going to tell you how long it took me to figure out who you were...duh!) Anyway, started my own blog, you can read it for yourself and decide whether you still agree with me then.... *shocked face*